Tuesday, October 17, 2006

THE ANGER STAGE (why me)

After my sixth-grade year it seemed as though one thing after another was going wrong, and I was beginning to think I was to blame. My wonderful Aunt got married to a wonderful man that summer. It was a beautiful ceremony, and was documented with a camcorder. After the wedding my family gathered together to watch the wedding. This was the first time I had ever seen myself walking and interacting with others since my diagnosis. My dad had a moving camera that was given to him by his mom, so I had seen myself when I was smaller on that camera. I was sitting at the top of the small staircase as the VCR began to play. I was always "the ham" when it came to taking pictures. My family knew this all too well, and when I got on camera they would say, “there you are!” Thinking that I was more than thrilled to be the center of the attention. I was unaware how I would look. It was a raw look at what other people saw when I looked at me. “Is that really me?,” I thought. My head was spinning and my eyes were tearing up. I wanted to crawl in a hole. I hid my fillings from my family and tried to act as though nothing was wrong. It was then I began the anger phase. I questioned why me, or what did I do to deserve this. I even found myself angry with God. I cannot remember a time when I was angry at my parents for carrying the gene. I often would ask my mom if she knew this was going to happen to me would she have had me at all. Her and my dad always said the answer was yes. Middle school was hard enough to deal with, and to tack this on was horrible for me. The way you looked, acted, dressed, and talked was important to fit in. If those factors were based on passing or failing I would have definitely failed. Not to mention that your body was going through major changes anyway with puberty. I was not the apple in any boy’s eye. I was more like the worm that would make the apple rotten! Why me during this time why me, was never an answered question for me. This phase lasted for a good year. I was not wanting to answer questions from other people when I couldn't answer questions for myself, and so I still remained to myself.

Looking back now I know that everything happens for a reason. Thanks for taking the time to read,
Miss S

Next post: the bargaining phase

4 comments:

Parisjasmal said...

Wow, good post Miss S. I cannot imagine how you must have felt seeing yourself on moving camera for the first time. I guess until that point you did not realize exactly what was happening to your body. How scary.
You were way past the anger stage when I met you. I have never heard you utter a word of anger about FA. Frustration and sadness, but never anger.

And by the way, WHO would want to be the apple of some stinky, yucky junior high boy? EEEEEKS!

xoxo

Parisjasmal said...

apple of a stinky junior high boys EYE I mean.

By the by--have you seen the movie "Little Manhattan"? It is VERY cute and I think you would really like it.

xo

gymmum2012 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
gymmum2012 said...

MsS - took your lead, loved the stoty. These are things I didnt realize. It has been real eyeopening.